I am many things. I say this because not only have I been
called many things, I look in the mirror and see many things.
Let me tell you something about me – I love to save people the trouble
by calling myself the many names I can be called. I am ditsy. I am
giggly. A bit eccentric and also a bubbly airhead. Hold up! Before you
go screaming bloody murder at the fact that I am insulting myself, may I
highlight that this is not self-degradation. Rather, these are the
words of someone who is self-accepting.
You see, I am not perfect. And to be honest, I do not want to be.
Because my beautiful imperfections ring clear in my ears reminding me
daily that I owe everything I have to a God who has been faithful enough
to love me despite all odds. A family, gracious enough to put up with
my nuances and friends I honestly do not deserve. I do not deserve my
friends because they tolerate my ability to go AWOL for long stretches
at a time and come back like I smell of roses and they are all bees.
Naa! I ain’t rosy and my friends certainly aren’t bees. But for reasons
I can never explain, they put up with me and whenever I resurface, pick
things up from where we left them.
Today I sit and stare at my wall, plagued by a grave promise I made to
myself. Today I promised to die empty. I want to empty myself of all
that I have. All that I own and all I will become. I owe it to the world
to leave everything that I am. Touch a life. Bless someone. Today I say
out loud that which I have always whispered in my heart – I will die
empty.
And before you go off thinking I am having the New Year blues, far from
it. I thrive on emptiness. Pouring out and giving myself to the things
that colour my world one small action after another. To know me is to
know my empty. To love me is to let me be empty.
Hi, I am ditsy. Sometimes eccentric, doing the silliest things and
walking around with my head in the clouds, and today I give my gift of
emptiness. I am empty.
